Over the summer the Cricket spent a couple of nights with the kids watching some of the most atrocious horror garbage you should save yourself from even getting anywhere near to. They were that bad. So that you won’t make the same mistake, here we go. From the premise, you’d think Catacombs (2007) has the perfect setting for a Slayer video: subterranean cemetery below the streets of Paris: the realm of darkness underneath the City of Light. This empire of the dead is the last resting place of millions of skulls and bones, often artfully arranged in a labyrinthine structure of chambers and corridors some sixty feet underground. It is in this morbid maze that an unsuspecting naïf (Shannyn Sossamon) gets drawn by her abrasive sister (P!nk). I can already hear your eyes roll... The Second Act consists entirely of the girl running in the darkness to evade the clutches of some evil serial killer... No Third Act can make up for that, but this ending stank so bad, I won’t even begin to tell you. Awful!
Next, we have Buried Alive (2007) – even the title is a rip off. Here we’re dealing with some family curse and ghostly apparitions. The film is plagued by common horror tropes: college initiation insanity, gratuitous nudity, inexplicable acts of random violence, a curious family history, a road trip to a remote cabin, a frightfully misanthropic caretaker who enjoys stuffing dead animals, dysfunctional mobile phones, flying axes, power failures, sabotaged cars, and after everyone else is slaughtered, the two remaining teenagers are, of course, buried alive... yawn... I needn’t say more.
Lastly there’s The Ruins (2008), another stinker of a movie. Here we join two American teenage couples with some recent friends to the ruins of a Mayan temple in the remote Mexican jungle. Angry villagers kill off one of them fast. Atop the ruin their cell phones have no signal, but they can distinctly hear a cell phone ringing down the mineshaft. Naturally, as one of them is lowered down, he has a fall and breaks his back. They are able to get him out, but then next morning the vines that cover the ruin have eaten into the guy’s leg. Desperate to get to the cell phone in the shaft, the two girls go back down, only to find the dead body of the cell phone’s owner – and to learn it’s not the phone they hear ringing, put the vines! (?!?) You get the picture. They all die, but for one, who in the alternate ending still has vines crawling inside her. Yuck!
Next, we have Buried Alive (2007) – even the title is a rip off. Here we’re dealing with some family curse and ghostly apparitions. The film is plagued by common horror tropes: college initiation insanity, gratuitous nudity, inexplicable acts of random violence, a curious family history, a road trip to a remote cabin, a frightfully misanthropic caretaker who enjoys stuffing dead animals, dysfunctional mobile phones, flying axes, power failures, sabotaged cars, and after everyone else is slaughtered, the two remaining teenagers are, of course, buried alive... yawn... I needn’t say more.Lastly there’s The Ruins (2008), another stinker of a movie. Here we join two American teenage couples with some recent friends to the ruins of a Mayan temple in the remote Mexican jungle. Angry villagers kill off one of them fast. Atop the ruin their cell phones have no signal, but they can distinctly hear a cell phone ringing down the mineshaft. Naturally, as one of them is lowered down, he has a fall and breaks his back. They are able to get him out, but then next morning the vines that cover the ruin have eaten into the guy’s leg. Desperate to get to the cell phone in the shaft, the two girls go back down, only to find the dead body of the cell phone’s owner – and to learn it’s not the phone they hear ringing, put the vines! (?!?) You get the picture. They all die, but for one, who in the alternate ending still has vines crawling inside her. Yuck!
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