Girls Next Door 6x08

O!M!G! Hugh Hefner’s bimbo girlfriends and some playmates are going to do a commercial for Guitar Hero 5 ... !!! “I didn’t know there were going to be rehearsals!” “We didn’t even know what Guitar Hero was...” Twit & Twat, the twin tweeters are twitting twats! “We didn’t know anything...” How must that feel never having any goddam clue?!? They googled it, and since Heidi Klum did a commercial for it, it’s okay... ??? They’re residuals. “Residuals?” “I don’t even know if I said it right.” “Residuals?” O!M!ƒ!G! How annoying can you be?!? Looks like a great commercial, though, anyone seen it before?

Then Crystal goes to visit her mother in San Diego. Her father died years ago from a brain tumor. Her mother plays a song her father recorded. And then Crystal’s mom drops the bomb that she never married her father... WTF?!? That was awkward. Did we really need to know that? We didn’t, right? Wow. Just because she’s Hef’s whatever, girlfriend I guess, she’s able to go into the studio with Smokey Robinson, of all people, to record her version of her father’s song... Holy crap, her voice is awful! Toe-curlingly awful.

Girls Next Door 6x07

Must be pretty weird for Bridget Marquardt to walk into her former room at the Playboy Mansion and find these twin twits live there now... But what I find even more remarkable is that suddenly Bridget strikes me as intelligent compared to these two brain-dead bimbos. Bridget is organizing a celebrity catwalk for an animal charity and now the girls want their own charity event, too... So they decide to sell lemonade for the AIDS walk and make $15,000... Um, that’s gonna take a whole lotta gallons of lemonade, you numbskulls! Hef meets them in the kitchen and begs them to stop squeezing already. He’ll supply the lemonade, ‘cause he has better usage for their time. Yeah, you betcha! They’re selling Minute Maid at the back gate to all the tour busses passing by, getting help from a whole slew of Playmates... but at the end of the day, they didn’t even raise $1,500! They made another $2,000 online, and Playboy doubled that to total just under $8,000. That’s barely half of what they set out to raise, but oh, well. Anyway, that’s a wrap. This show is so awfully appalling you feel mold growing inside your head! Yet I sit there in stunned fascination watching in disbelieve at these girls’ utter stupidity...

Girls Next Door 6x06

“Dasha is wild,” the twins Karissa and Kristina say, talking about Dasha Astafieva, the Ukrainian model, singer, and Playboy’s 55th Anniversary Playmate. “We would definitely never ever, ever think of taking our panties off, especially on the red carpet!” the twin twits continue. “She is not very good at knowing where her boundaries are,” the other airhead, Crystal, explains, “maybe because she’s foreign. I’m not really sure.” From there the Girls Next Door are suddenly taken to Italy, where they are attending the Sanremo Music Festival with Hef. Once in Rome, the three girls go all, “yeah, wow you guys, pretty, cool, yeah, oh my gawd, it’s so pretty ... it’s so cool here ... there’s like a bunch of old buildings and walls and there’s people driving on vespas everywhere...” To surprise them, Hef also invited Dasha to the party ... and the little spoilsport brought a painting of Hef and her ... the girls feel she crossed the freakin’ line! Awkward! At the festival, all four girls walk him down the stairs where he’s interviewed for half an hour while they sit pretty. Then they attend the re-launch party of the Italian Playboy, where Dasha is still flirting with Hef, to Crystal’s great chagrin ... and on and on it goes. My goodness this is mind-numbingly tedious!

Girls Next Door 6x05

Let’s return to the Playboy Mansion and gawk at the atrociously annoying Girls Next Door. In this episode Crystal and her mum are planting a little vegetable garden in the backyard. “It’s always more fun when it’s growing,” Hef quips. He did, he went there. Sheesh. Karissa or Kristina says: “When Hef told us we’re going to be in a movie, we freaked the fuck out.” “Yeah, we freaked the fuck out,” the other twin echoes. Numbskulls don’t even know who Sofia Coppola is, or, worse, Francis Ford Coppola! “Hahahaha,” the twins go. “Learning how to use the pole was tougher than we thought,” one of them admits. “Oh, my gawd, was it hard,” the other sighs. After a few weeks of practice Sofia stops by and is impressed with their skills on the pole. Meanwhile Crystal is going for her first centerfold test shoot. She explains that just because you’re Hef’s girlfriend you don’t just automatically become a playmate, and is quick to point out that Barbi Benton, Holly, Bridget and Kendra never made it. Still, they wouldn’t show us her shoot if she’d gotten rejected, so it’s little surprise to hear that Hef loved it and picked her to be Playmate of the Month (Dec. 2009). Um, yeah, it’s starting to become like just another reality show... shucks...

Girls Next Door 6x04

“Look, you guys, it’s the world famous Playboy Mansion, you guys. He’s got all kinds of animals over here. Everything is over here, you guys.” Um... yeah... this is why I absolutely loathe reality shows with a vehement passion. Girls Next Door for five seasons has been astoundingly atrocious, so ghastly appalling that it was jawdroppingly fascinating. Now that Kendra is gone, Holly has left, and Bridget is no longer there ... it’s not been the same. The twin twits Karissa and Kristina, and their BFF Crystal just scream and yell, just “oh, my gawd” and “hahaha” ... they hurt my ears and they aren’t lookers either... I can’t watch this for much longer... Just skinny, blonde airheads can’t entertain me.

This one episode, they decide to go out camping ... in the Mansion’s backyard ... “We’ve never been camping before,” twin number one says. “No, we’ve never been camping before. Camping is not our thing,” twin number two echoes... “I’m impressed you got it up,” Hef says when he sees the tent the girls made, “I’m always impressed when you get it up.” Oh, jeesh, he didn’t. “I just wanna know how many blondes it takes to light up a fire,” one of their playmates quips. And in the end, the most annoying thing they always say on reality shows ... “We really got to bond with each other and get to know each other more.” Ugh!

Girls Next Door 6x02

Archetypical Playboy Hugh Heffner claims he couldn’t be happier with his new Girls Next Door. He thought he found the love of his life in Holly Madison. Everyone who watched the show (which must include Hef) knows that Holly wanted marriage with children. She wanted to be sure Hef wasn’t going to replace her, she wanted a sense of security, a sense of certainty, a sense of commitment. He didn’t give her that. So she up and left. He lost her. You can clearly see that he’s hiding his pain and disappointment when he claims to be happy. Maybe he’s even lying to himself about it. Who knows? He’s overly emotional around Barbi Benton, his former girlfriend (notice: not his ex-girlfriend), they have a bond he’ll never have with his latest live-in girlfriend, that airhead Crystal, or with those annoying twin twits Karissa and Kristina. He even admits he can’t keep them apart! Can you imagine this octogenarian is sleeping with girls that are literally barely legal? It’s pathetic, but atrociously fascinating to watch! Apocalyptically ghastly! HA-Hah-hahahah!

Girls Next Door 6x03

Wow, whoa, oh my gawd, hahahaha, yay, check out those bikinis, hot stuff, groovy baby, oww, baby, it’s time for the Girls Next Door! What’s up? Well, Hef’s girls want to throw a 70s roller disco party. “We were born in 1989. So we know nothing about the 70s,” the twin twits say in tandem. But, if you don’t know a thing about that time, there’s always Barbi Benton, Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend from way back when! Barbi always loves to get back in Hef’s limelight and steal some of his girls’ action. You know this is going to get awkward! I’m glued to my screen, gawking. Barbi even brought her daughter (a real two for the price of one deal), who’s their age! It’s strange, Barbi explains, to come up to the Mansion, because the girls change every few years, while she remains the constant. Ouch! So they try on 70s hot pants, but their fake butts are too big, and they practice roller skating. Then it’s time to par-tay! The twins were the only ones wearing G-strings. “We were ass on skates,” Karissa says (or is it Kristina?) ... Oh, my goodness, enough already!

Girls Next Door 6x01

Are you ready for the scantily clad, empty-headed Girls Next Door? For five seasons I have watched this series with my jaw ajar, completely aghast at the utter stupidity of these girls. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, the show is about three live-in girlfriends of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. For me personally, as I profoundly loathe reality shows, the only reason I could bear watching this particular show was because it is so atrociously awful. Kendra especially is disturbingly dumb: she’s a tomboy with fake boobs, who shakes her booty at every chance she gets (even though she has a flat ass) and flashes her tits at every turn. Sorry if my sexism offends anyone, but that’s what this show is about. When last season ended Kendra was moving out and soon announced her relation with some Philly Eagle football player; Bridget left to host her own program (Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches); and Holly broke up with Hef, briefly dated illusionist Chris Angel, and will now host her own program, too (Holly’s World).

Now we’re supposed to care about twin sisters Kristina and Karissa, and their newest best-friend-forever Crystal... The Playboy Mansion is alive with sunny cheer and barely legal babes! 23-year old Crystal is an annoyingly high-pitched Val Gal airhead, whose boobs keep falling out. She’s not the new Holly, she says, Holly is the old her... The indistinguishable 19-year old twins are like Bridget and Kendra rolled into one, being neither one nor the other. They talk at the same time and say the same things, in the same voice, and even admit they have the same personality... They have two indistinguishable dogs which they died pink... Then they go to Las Vegas and meet up with Holly, they party and tweet and giggle. “Oh, my gawd, like, freakin’ damn, I was like, whassup, that’s awesome!” Enough, right? Yeah, I thought so.