Benidorm 4x04

Back in the Costa Blanca a rare thunderstorm spoils the vacation fun. Bitter biting Pauline is forced to stay with her mother as her flight has been cancelled. Everyone is crowding around the reception desk. “We are all sitting in the same boat,” Mateo exclaims in hopes of calming people down. “But it’s not a boat,” Donald retorts, “that’s my point!” “We’re all gonna die,” Madge cries hysterically, certain the storm is a terrorist attack. “It will be like seven-eleven all over again.” Oh, man, this show is hilarious! When everyone is steered to the Hawaiian function room, Janet bumps into her old flame Johnny “Neptune” Nelson. She’s all flustered. Years ago he asked her to marry him and she said no. Little Michael has a run in of his own – with a pretty little blonde from one of the other hotels nearby. For his part, Donald’s been informed after his incident in the pool that he has only three more months to live. And the afternoon’s entertainment! A heavy metal outfit fronted by trannie Lesly performing country ballads and soft rock tunes. What a charm!

Benidorm 4x03

Mateo is late for his water aerobics class at the Solana. His outfit is hilarious! But he is livid. “Lady, I look like a homosexual gay,” he tells Janey. “Looking good, handsome,” Lesly winks from behind the bar. Alas, the work-out is too much for poor Donald. “You look like you’re going to die,” little Michael tells him. A little later Donald falls over into the water. Janey is furious at Mateo, threatening to sack him if Donald dies. In fact, she sends him packing anyway. Sweet Lesly comes up with an idea to help Mateo keep his job. His dimwitted son forges an affidavit in M. Garvey’s name claiming that Donald’s accident did not occur while he was taking part in Mateo’s class. Oh, you have to know the series to fully grasp all the levels of funny at play here.

Meanwhile two big men dressed in black suits walk into the poolside. While Mick is eavesdropping, the suits tell Lesly they are looking for Madge Harvey to settle a debt with her. Mick tries hiding the problem from his family. Then Lesly compliments Madge, “Well, you are an amazing woman Misses Harvey. All I’m saying is that if two big hairy gorillas just threatened to kill me over an unpaid debt, I’d be putting my knickers on the boil wash by now. Heheh heheh heh.” Obviously his family isn’t going to let Mick deal with the situation on his own. I can’t begin to describe the showdown in the run-down theme park with Mr. Pink, the flamboyant gangster who is demanding his money. You have to see it for yourself. It really is rolling-on-the-floor uproarious! And Madge gets off scot-free, her debt cleared. Better still, Mr. Pink sends her a suitcase full of cash. Those tears your Cricket’s crying are from laughing, I swear!

For her part, Pauline keeps nagging at her mother and plans to leave. Gavin and Kenneth keep bickering, too. “Could’ve been you there in the pool,” Kenneth says. “I beg your pardon,” Gavin replies. Then suddenly Kenneth rushes off without so much as an explanation. When he returns, men keep passing by who seem to know Kenneth. Diverting the conversation, Kenneth asks Gavin out for a pizza. Suddenly he has money he earlier claimed he didn’t bring with him. You and I both know what Gavin is suspecting! At dinner Kenneth even wears an expensive watch he bought that afternoon to treat himself. “Faggots!” Donald shouts, as they’re eating meatballs. “How dare you! Did Judy Garland die for nothing? Oh, hello Donald.” And off Kenneth goes with another man. Gavin follows him up to the room and overhears Kenneth saying, “Now, it’s up to you to tell me how far you wanna go.” Gavin barges in, only to find Kenneth doing a little hairdressing on the side to earn some extra spending money. Yeah, this show is brilliant!

Benidorm 4x02

Although Noreen isn’t bringing her son, “The Oracle” Geoff, to Benidorm this year, we are introduced to her cuckoo daughter Pauline, who’s spent the past four years married to a Saudi living in South Africa. It’s hilarious already! Pauline is bossy, irritable, uptight and god-almighty snobbish. Naturally she can’t get along with any of the people at the Solana. The Garveys are back to their usual bickering. Mick can’t take listening to drivel while ignoring the fact that Madge is “penniless, homeless, and in dept up to your eyeballs.” When they decide to go for a day out, Mick keeps budging into Pauline, until they end up falling off the water slide kicking and screaming. Gavin and Kenneth can’t stop from exchanging snide remarks either. When Leslie brings their cocktails and some snacks, Kenneth asks Gavin, “would you like to try Leslie’s cheesy nibbles?” “Oddly enough, no,” he replies with a whiff of sarcasm. Les’ socially-awkward son Liam continues hitting on lovely Natalie. When he asks her out for a date, Sam reminds them Natalie nearly got married to Latin Lover Mateo last year, but then he forgot about her. Natalie goes for it anyway, clubbing with Liam, with Sam in tow. Sam gets so drunk, she falls off the bar and breaks her leg! Meanwhile Donald and Jacqueline have collected some money to help Madge out, but she wants none of their charity. Until she hears they got a check for €500 from the hotel management, that is. Ah, this show is funny!

Benidorm 4x01

When the Garveys return to the Costa Blanca in Spring they learn to their stunned surprise, surprise that Madge’s luxurious villa has been bought by none other than (famous British singer and comedy actress) Cilla Black. In their search for Janice’s mother, they also discover that Madge sold the Benidorm Palace. Mick, Janice and Michael have to check into the Solana and continue looking for Madge. They find her mobility scooter on the market, on sale, with her new cell phone number. She’s down and out, over her head in debt, living in a trailer park. Through all of it, she still clings on to her stubborn pride. It’s heart wrenching.

Naturally the insinuating swingers Donald and Jacqueline are on the spot, minding everybody else’s business. Only half of the grumpy gay muppets, Gavin, arrives at the Solana, while Troy remains home to care for his dying father who hardly knew. Gavin does bring his gayer-than-thou salon employee Kenneth and their arguing from the start. There are new vacationers, too, lovely Natalie and her foul-mouthed friend Samantha. Mel’s former employee, cross-dressing Les, finds employment behind the bar, to Mateo’s great dismay. Les’ socially awkward son has a blinding crush on Natalie, who apparently had an affair with Mateo last year.

Then Scary Mary shows up at the hotel’s poolside with two hoodlums demanding debt Madge owes her. The showdown between Madge and Mary is as hilarious as it brings tears to your usually cynical Cricket’s eyes. “Oh, yeah, I heard all about yours,” Madge chides when Mary argues it’s not about the money anymore, but about her reputation. “Scare Mary, the Benidorm Bike. I’ve heard you’ve given more rides than the donkey on Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Only you don’t charge quite as much.” Les, Mateo, Mick and Michael all budge in defending Madge, and when the hoodlums have been taken out of commission, Janice storms in and knocks her head firmly against Scary Mary. “Nobody, nobody, threatens my mother,” she intones menacingly. Brilliant!

Benidorm 4x00

It’s Christmas and the Garveys head to Benidorm to spend the holidays with Mel and Madge in their luxurious new villa overlooking the Costa Blanca. What’s funny is that they’ve called the villa “Casa Blanca,” but it’s painted pink! Mel hasn’t arrived yet from a business trip to Marrakesh, and Madge gets more and more nervous he may be having an affair – some “polka wonkers,” as she calls it. Mel’s assistant, that cross-dressing Les, fails to pick up Su Pollard (Hi-de-Hi! and You Rang M’Lord?). She ends up in a nudist resort singing show tunes to get enough cash to pay the cab fair to Casa Blanca. At the Solana, there’s confusion about the party of friends Donald and Jacqueline have brought for the holidays. They have a booking for a jazz band, the Middlesborough Swingers Association! Ahahaha! “Swingers,” get it? Unfortunately, that darling couple Gavin and Troy aren’t present to offer their snide comments on the events. And neither is Geoff “The Oracle,” but his mother Noreen is there, with a travel companion who might just be after her money. There’s no happy ending to this holiday special, for, Mick gets a call on Christmas day, while Roy Wood is jamming hard rocking carols at the Benidorm Palace, that Mel has passed away in Morocco. Quite a feat, to fit such a sad storyline into all the silliness and make it work! The Cricket even got teary-eyed... Sadder, still, is that Geoffrey Hutchings, the actor who played Mel Harvey, himself actually died of a viral infection last year.

Benidorm – Series 3

When we last saw the vacationers at Benidorm, Madge was about to get married to Mel. Geoff tried to drop in on the wedding ceremony with a parachute, but instead he kicked Mel in the head before flying off. Mick was arrested for punching Mel in an attempt to revive him. Now Janice and Madge are rushing to the hospital. What they don’t know is that they’re driving with a murderer, and that Janice’s stalker is close behind. In the end, Mel has to hire a helicopter to save his bride-to-be as well as half of the other vacationers off the hotel roof. I can’t even begin to describe all the hilarity involved! Everyone swears never to return to the place, but they are offered a free week’s vacation next year. So, now the sun and fun are back when we return to the all-inclusive vacation resort in Benidorm. And everyone is here again: the Garveys (Mick and Janice, their children, her mother, plus Mel and ‘Tell’s baby Coolio), Gavin and Troy, Donald and Jacqueline, Geoff and his mother. Well, actually, not everyone is back, Martin arrives without his wife Kate. But he brought a new friend called Brandy. It’s hilarious! What a bimbo! She lies and she cheats, and keeps leading Martin on. She sleeps with Latin Lover Mateo, so she can get his swipe card with entrance to all the hotel rooms. We later learn that she’s working with a con-artist to rob everyone blind. Martin is merely her mark. She practically steals the shirt off his back and in utter desperation he calls Kate back in England. She arrives with a vengeance the next morning! Also on the scene to save Martin, is his posh mother, who’s mad as a hatter.

Entrepreneurial as he is, Madge’s husband Mel has set up a mobile chair shop right in Benidorm. The grand opening goes completely awry because he used so many light bulbs that the shop goes up in smoke! He then gets the idea of buying an island off the coast so he can develop his empire there. He’s sent on a wild goose chase, so to speak, when he’s told the island is owned by the “Dovez.” (Get it? A local mispronunciation of “doves.”) Mel’s also set up by the con-artist with promises of big money. The gay couple Gavin and Troy are like the two grumpy muppets up in the box seat, always offering a running commentary of the goings on. Troy is gay simply because he likes cock, but Gavin thinks he’s gay because he’s intellectual, artistic, sensitive – he’s certainly sensitive about his weight. They are a lovely couple, the nicest people of the group. I was sad when Gavin thought Troy was having another lover. Fortunately, it turned out to be Troy’s son from before he came out of the closet! Geoff’s mother thinks her son is gay because he never had a proper girlfriend, while he’s out trying to score an internet date – not realizing he’s chatting online with a tranny. When they finally meet, he’s so shocked he can’t move! Donald and Jacqueline continue inviting folks over for their swinger parties, never realizing how awkward their sexual insinuations are or how untimely. There are so many high points, it is impossible to describe them all. Certainly a favorite moment is when Madge is performing karaoke completely high on ecstasy pills she mistook for diarrhea tablets. It’s a hoot! Truly, try to watch this show, your Cricket gives warm recommendations.

Benidorm - Series 2

While I didn’t find the first season of Benidorm particularly hilarious, I have to say that by the second series the characters and plots have grown on me – and I actually found myself laughing out loud! The show still revolves around the Garveys, Mick and Janice, with their kids, Telle and Michael, and Janice’s mother Madge. Telle now has a baby boy named Coolio; and Madge brought a new boyfriend, Mel. Of course, there are also the swingers Donald and Jacqueline, the gay couple Gavin and Troy, sad Geoff “The Oracle” Maltby and his mother; reluctantly, Martin and Kate Weedon have returned to the resort as well; and naturally, Mateo still runs the bar, chatting up guests, while Janey runs the entertainment. Throughout, the swingers throw around invitations for threesomes; Gavin and Troy provide a running commentary on the events; 39-year old Geoff pretends he isn’t vacationing with his mother; and Martin keeps failing to please his wife.

One of the early highpoints involves Mel, all tan and a million years old, in his swanky white suit and black shirt singing karaoke with a frightfully high-pitched girlie voice, and then proposing to Madge! Last year Latin Lover Mateo slept with Kate, but this time mumbling dweeb Martin settles the score in an arm-wrestling match – so that he can take his wife triumphantly upstairs. This summer the whole bunch is offered to see a bull fight, but only after they sit through a fruit juicer sales pitch. In the end, the matador turns out to be Mateo, the bull is just a black Labrador retriever, and the juicer explodes in Mel’s face. When Madge sees a picture of Mel with another woman in an electric wheelchair, she jealously gets into a standoff with the other woman – both of them exchanging a vocabulary of curse words that will make your ears tingle. Since Janice is worried about her mother marrying this guy who Madge only met a month ago, and Mick forgets their tenth anniversary, it’s small wonder Janice feels neglected and falls for the advances of a much younger guy. However, the campiest event of the season was definitely Mel and Madge’s wedding – even the vicar was a transvestite! Heehee!

Benidorm - Series 1

Another British comedy series my buddy Sander recommended is ITV’s Benidorm – a comedy show that plays on stereotypes of British tourist at an all inclusive Spanish poolside resort. We get the bickering and complaining common folks, the Garveys; the sarcastic and miserable middle class people, Martin and Kate Weedon; the dirty old swingers, Donald and Jacqueline Stewart; and a couple of others. The jokes involve stuffing faces at buffets, pop quizzes and karaoke nights, rooms with no view, teenage pregnancy, marriages breaking apart, a little partner swapping (and the confusion the insinuations cause), blackface Dixie night, latin lovers chasing blondes, or gays, rip offs on the beach, and floating turds in the pool... What can I say? It’s mildly funny and it slowly grows on you – like fungus, but in a pleasant way. LOL. I’m not going to say it’s hilarious, but the show’s been winning awards in the U.K. You might like it.