Modern Family 1x23

If you’ve watched every episode thus far, you’ll know that a Modern Family Hawaiian vacation is bound for failure. Phil’s like a kid in a candy store, with all the beautiful women around him in bikinis. He tells Clair she’s the prettiest white woman on Maui. She asks him if he’s checking out Gloria in the reflection in her sunglasses. He’s hoping to finally give her the honeymoon they never had, but for her this is rather a business trip – traveling with their kids. He takes her to the “adults only” swimming pool, abandoning their kids. Then hottie airhead Haley asks if she can hang with some other kids, and Phil convinces Clair to let go of her over-protective mother instinct. “Oh, god, that feels weird and good, all at once,” she says. “Yeah, I know,” Phil replies, “I was leaning up against that nozzle a minute ago.”

Meanwhile, Jay’s decided to get into better shape after his brother reminds him their father died at the same age Jay’s reached. So, he forgoes the double cheese burgers with fries and cheese fries. Gloria’s none too pleased about all the swimming and running, tennis and rowing. She thought that marrying an older man meant that she would get time to relax. For their part, Manny and Luke discover they’re the worst possible match as roommates. Manny folds everything neatly, and irons his linen jacket, while Luke jumps on his bed as he empties his bag. Then there’s Cam and Mitchell. Mitchell has planned all sorts of sight-seeing outings, but Cam’s had enough. He’d much rather sit by the pool with Lily and do nothing. It takes a whole team of attendants to get Mitchell to unwind, but when he gets a foot massage, he exclaims, “Sweet Lady Gaga, that’s good!” when it’s time for Jay’s birthday dinner, all goes amiss. Cam and Mitchell forget Lily in the elevator, Jay’s missing – trapped in a hammock after his back seized – and Haley’s vomiting in her room after getting drunk with the other kids. In the end, Phil gives Clair a small outdoor ceremony to renew their wedding vows. I’m surprised Phil didn’t say he got lei’d in Maui...

In Treatment 3x19

While Paul is making a concerted effort to bond with Max, suddenly Jesse is at the door demanding an emergency session. He went to see his birth parents and claims they threw him out. He knows he screwed up again, but cannot even admit that to himself. Paul realizes Jesse needs help and reluctantly lets him into his office. Jesse starts telling his story. He felt that Paul encouraged him to contact his birth parents after their previous session – thus laying blame on Paul. They were happy to see him, and so Jesse took the train to Westchester. He even came several hours early, so as not to arrive late as per his usual wont. Jesse noticed children playing in the front lawn, drawing chalk on the pavement, and one of them was in a wheelchair. He wandered around, trying to find a diner, smoking up to kill time and calm his nerves. When he returned, the children were gone – and all the evidence they had ever been there (including the chalk). Jesse seems not to remember much from the conversation, because he was stoned, but he is still upset that Kevin and Karen erased all evidence of their children.

He did find a bar in the bathroom for disabled people, so he is certain that the kid in the wheelchair is their son, and he is convinced his birth parents contacted him because they need his blood, an organ, bone marrow, or the like, for their sickly son. Paul confirms that it is strange that they removed the evidence of their children, but when he asks about the conversation and why they asked him to leave, Jesse tries to avoid talking about it. Eventually he comes clean that he suggested making some kind of deal with them, so that he could attend the summer arts program he has been dreaming about. When Paul explains that he believes Jesse deliberately sabotaged the meeting, just as he did with other relationships in his life, Jesse storms out. Paul follows him to the stoop and tries comforting him. There is nothing wrong with him, he says, nor is he undeserving of love and affection. His birth parents were his age when they gave him up for adoption. They never had a change to get to know him, but simply were too young to raise him. Then the smoke alarm goes off in Paul’s kitchen, because Max tried making pan cakes on his own, but burned them. Paul hugs Max and tells him it is okay. But Jesse leaves, no doubt feeling abandoned.

Californication 4x08

Runkle has some good news for Hank: now that Eddie Nero (Rob Lowe) is on board, Sasha Bingham (Addison Timlin) is willing to return to the project, too. She also has a job for him making fast cash rewriting her current script for some blockbuster zombie sequel. But Hank gets called away by Pearl (Zoë Kravitz), that Becca is skipping class to get drunk and high and giving blow jobs with the Queens of Dogtown. When he finally returns to the hotel at the end of the day, he meets a beautiful woman at the bar (Callie Thorne, who we saw in Burn Notice), with daughter issues of her own. The morning after, he learns in the most unpleasant, nutcracking way that her daughter is none other than Sasha herself. Meanwhile, Marcy cannot make up her mind whether to terminate her pregnancy or what to do with Stu. When she tells him she’s expecting, he gets overjoyed thinking he is finally becoming a father. For his part, Runkle gets a house call from a real estate agent, who immediately invites him to treat her rough in the bedroom. In the lasts scene, Tommy Lee is singing “Home Sweet Home” in the hotel bar... Could it be that Hank can patch things up with Karen and go back home?

Community 1x02

The Cricket had no idea Spanish 101 could be this hilarious, but is becoming a fast fan of Community! In this episode we get introduced to Señor Chang (Ken Jeong, The Office), our friends’ outrageous Spanish teacher. The class gets a team assignment, and while Jeff is switching with Abed to team up with Britta, Pierce manages to switch with Britta to team up with Jeff. Meanwhile, after Britta tells them of the political assassinations of Guatemalan journalists, Shirley and Annie organize an on-campus protest against the many deaths due to systematic violence in Guatemala. Our disbarred barrister is mighty bummed being stuck in the same room with asswipe Hawthorne, but when Jeff believes he might win Britta’s heart if he commits himself to Pierce’s crazy presentation, he agrees to entertain the class to the most outlandish scenes ever observed on any community college. Afterwards, Britta tells Jeff that a smart guy like him would know that “no woman in that class would be able to look at you as a sexually viable candidate ever again.” And she loves toying with his feelings like that – if only to play hard to get. In the end, Abed and Troy show they’ve barely mastered even the basics of Spanish, when in turn they rap verses along the other’s beatbox: “Donde está el biblioteca, mi llamo t-bone, la araña discoteca. / Discoteca, muñeca, la biblioteca está en bigote grande, perro, manteca. / Manteca, bigote, gigante, pequeño cabeza es nieve, cerveza es bueno. / Buenos díaz, mi gusto patatas frías, el bigote de las cabras es Cameron Díaz.” Ahahaha!

Gossip Girl 4x17

Chuck throws yet another party to celebrate his deal with a new financial backer, but Thorpe warns him the victory dance is premature. So, Chuck and Lily figure Ben must have spilled the beans on the affidavit. Serena has issues of her own with Ben, who doesn’t respond to her messages since they slept together. Vanessa finally tells Lily and Serena that she overheard Ben telling Damien he beat up Captain Archibald, S wants to hear none of it. But the affidavit is gone, and Ben was the only person who knew where Serena put it. Meanwhile Blair continues to plot exit strategies and plausible deniability about hanging out with Dan, and Raina is falling hard for Nate. When things come to a head at Chuck’s party, it turns out it was not Ben who handed Thorpe the affidavit, but his mother, who is determined to clear her son’s name at any cost. When Raina hears what her father is doing to Chuck and his family, she’s disgusted, but Chuck tells Thorpe that he knows where he can stick it: Lily has already called the District Attorney to come clean on the condition that Ben’s record be expunged. Then Thorpe explains why he has been so hell-bent on destroying the Bass legacy: he believes Chuck’s father had his wife killed. William van der Woodsen returns to town, with Lily’s mother Celia, to circle the wagons, much to Rufus’ chagrin. In the last scene Dan challenges Blair to kiss him so they will finally know if there really isn’t anything between them. As if we really have the patience to wait any longer for this season to be over, there’s yet another break until mid-April...

Modern Family 1x22

If you have jitters about flying, this episode is just for you! Gloria takes Jay on a surprise trip to Hawai‘i for his birthday. He’s eager to spend a romantic vacation for two in Maui. Unfortunately for him she’s invited the whole family, sparing no expense – with his money. Jay gets more cranky by the minute. The more they talk about luaus, hikes up the volcano, helicopter rides, swimming with the dolphins, the more he needs that drink. “Could you make it a double? I’m traveling with my family.” When Mitchell arrives at the airport he realizes he forgot his ID, so he won’t be able to board the plane. He blames Cameron (how dare he!) and blames Phil for driving too slow on the ride back home to fetch his wallet. Then Clair gets a panic attack about flying, and blames Phil for abandoning her. For his part, Dylan got locked inside the Dunphy home and sets off the alarm, while Haley is unwittingly flirting with an 8th graders, much to Alex’ delight. Security believes Manny is a suspected terrorist and bring him in for questioning. If Gloria is his mother, then why is Manny flying back separately to Columbia? She planned to spent the last few days in Hawai‘i with Jay alone. “I could not love you any more than I do right now,” Jay sighs in relief. In the end, the whole family is reunited in time for take-off.

In Treatment 3x18

In her previous session, before she was leaving, Frances mentioned she had received the breast cancer test results, but had not looked at them yet – and walked off. Now she sits in the room letting minutes pass by in awkward silence without saying a word, waiting for Paul to ask her about the test results. She used her supposed difficulty memorizing her lines to get in the door, while really what she was worried about was that she would test positive and would die the way her mother did, and the way her sister now is dying, and that the way her daughter would die if she passed it on. So, when Paul finally asks her what she is thinking about, she starts talking about her daughter. Izzy had texted her that Patricia “looks like a skeleton.” Yet, instead of visiting her sister in the hospital, Frances went out with the cast and went home with one of the younger actors. He caressed her breasts and made her feel better about herself. She still hasn’t opened the letter with the results. She asks Paul to read it for her – which he does, but he hands the letter back to her. It’s the best possible news she could have hoped for, as she tested negative. Still she remains reluctant to face her dying sister, now coming up with the excuse that it would be inconsiderate to shove her good news into Tricia’s face. Adamantly, Paul insists she must see her sister before it’s too late and she will forever regret it. Frances dashes off in anger.